How to be a Good Parent to a Bad Kid

I hear it all the time,"I love him/her but I don't know what to do anymore!" Parents say this almost like they have to justify why they're frustrated. Trust me, you are not the first to think this and I doubt you'll be the last. As parents we often have this misconception that loving our children means we have to love everything about them, including their behaviors. Let me tell you, this is a myth. There is no parenting law book that states that we must love our child's terrible behavior in order to love them completely. At least, I haven't found it.

So what is a parent to do? Do you just deal with the screaming and the tantrums and the embarrassing outings? You don't have to, but before we can change behavior we must first understand it. So let's break it down a little bit.

Why do kids act out? Most children cannot verbally express the multitude of emotions that they're dealing with on a day to day basis, this is not to say they can't talk, although some might not be able to. What this means is they just do not have the emotional vocabulary needed to effectively communicate their needs. As parents we need to look at behavior through a new perspective, rather than ask why is he/she being like this lets rephrase that and ask what need is not being met for him/her at this moment. The most effective means of communication that young children have is behavioral manifestation and that is the quickest way that they can get your attention.

So how do you respond to that? The knee-jerk reaction most parents have is to punish the child for their behavior because we want them to learn a lesson but what we're really teaching them is that they cannot express themselves because if they do they will get punished.

Punishment stops a behavior but understanding and communication changes it. Now, I'm not saying let your kid run wild and do what he/she wants, what I'm saying is correct the behavior, don't punish it. Consequences for undesired behavior are appropriate but punishment for emotional expression will often backfire. Here are some small changes that can have a big impact in your interaction with your child. Give them a try, what do you have to lose?

• Ask questions.  Sometimes a child needs to be talked through how they feel. They may not have a clear understanding of their emotions and may need your help to provide some clarity.
• Label emotions. Help your child expand their emotional vocabulary with simple remarks such as "I know it's frustrating when you cannot play with your toys." What you've done here is given them another word for something they may be experiencing. 
• Compromise. Kids are often being told no, this can make them feel like their needs/want do not matter. Try something like this, "I know you don't want to go run errands but how about we make a deal, if we can get through these errands we can spend 10 minutes doing something you'd like when we get home" 
• Leave it up to them. Allow kids to be accountable and take responsibility for their actions. "If you continue to (negative behavior) then you're choosing (consequence). This takes some of the pressure off of you because you don't have to be the bad guy, they are making the choice.
• Give options. Nobody likes being bossed around, if there is an opportunity to give your child a choice, do it. "Which snack would you like for our drive, cookies or chips?" or "We need to get ready, do you want to put your shoes on first or your coat." It may seem simple but for a child it can make a big difference and it also encourages autonomy. 
• Observe. Pay attention to the cues your child gives you prior to and during a tantrum, this can be very telling of what is going on with them emotionally and can help guide how you respond to the behavior.

We have some pretty big expectations of children but I challenge you to see if you are able to meet the same expectations you have for your child. Do you not get angry when you're stuck in traffic or when they get your order wrong in a restaurant? The only difference is you've had years to develop some emotional tolerance and have learned some self-soothing techniques. Try to remember that a child's world is tiny so a small thing that seems insignificant to you is major in their world.

Please keep in mind that there could be contributing mental health factors that are causing these behaviors. If you feel that this may be the case, seek the guidance of a professional. And of course, we do not want to go through these suggested steps if your child is hurting themselves or someone else, safety is always a priority. 

Parenting isn’t easy so don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember, like everything else, the more you practice, the better you will get. So if you forget these steps because you’re in the middle of a crazy tantrum and your mind goes blank it’s okay, just try again next time, you’ll get it.