Disconnect to Connect

Many of us are used to the obligatory "how was your day?" or "how was work?" conversation at the end of the day. It makes us feel like we did our part, like we showed some interest in our partner and it gives us permission to go back to our avoidance activity of choice, whether that be the phone, tv, games etc.

In the age of technology and social media we can get so caught up in the rest of the world that we don't notice that our own world is falling apart. Don't allow the need to connect to the world be the reason you disconnect from your partner. Find your connection again.

Give your partner just 10-15 minutes of your undivided attention, turn everything off, have no distractions and nurture your connection. You don't have to do this everyday, I get it, life gets busy but make an effort to start with two times a week. Make this a habit and you will begin to see the positive effects in your relationship. It might be uncomfortable at first and you may not have anything to talk about but this will become easier as you continue and as your connection develops.

Here are some tips to get you started:

• Stay focused. Do not use this time to talk about responsibilities (household chores, bills etc.), use this time to talk about each other, your wants, your needs, your emotions. "I need you to take out the trash" does not count. 
• Listen. If your partner is telling you about a problem they had at work, or the rough day they had at home, just listen. Do not try to problem solve, this can often create conflict. Your partner made it through the day without you, they don't need you to fix things, they just want you to listen and let them know that their feelings are valid and justified. 
• Make Eye Contact. Where our eyes go, our attention goes. Eye contact is a very subtle but powerful form of intimacy, it is a small thing you can do to reinforce your connection. 
• Acknowledge. Each partner has a role in the relationship and provides a contribution in some way. Acknowledge the good things that your partner does. It is often easy to point out the negatives but we deal with so much negativity on a daily basis outside of the home, let your home be a safe space. 
• Schedule your time. Schedule your connection time like you would a doctor's appointment or any other appointment. If you set a specific day and time in which you will do this connection exercise you are less likely to find excuses not to do it. And yes, I know, stuff comes up, that's okay, just reschedule your appointment but don't miss it. 
• Keep it Simple. You don't have to go out to a restaurant or create some elaborate plan to do this. Do it when you're in bed after the kids have gone to sleep or before you start reading a book. Sit on the couch or at the dinning room table, the setting doesn't matter, it's all about making the effort to communicate in a meaningful way. 

Open communication is a difficult skill to develop because it means we have to be vulnerable and expose our weaknesses, our insecurities, and our fears.  Connecting with your partner is not an easy process especially when you've become comfortable with the disconnection but the benefits of rediscovering your connection will be well worth the work. 

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